Simple and non materialistic things are what matters the most in this life. They enrich your life in many wonderful ways. They say- ‘Love and live because you are truly blessed’ BUT when you lack financial means all of the sudden you and your family’s mental and physical wellbeing is at risk.
There are so many loving and good hearted families with no money. Love for eachother is the only thing which keeps them from giving up. Parents put on a brave face often skipping a meal in order to feed their children. They work hard, they are honest, worried and anxious about tommorow yet they manage to smile for the sake of their children.
They say-‘Live in the present moment.’ Well, that’s a great approach but when you have children you must plan ahead otherwise your children may suffer and you don’t want that to happen. I wish life was easier. It’s sad and you can only understand it when you are a parent yourself.
If you suffer from anxiety I bet that you worry a lot. Worrying acts like a cushion protecting you from falling down into the abyss of anxiety. You are convinced that you need it because you would be lost without it. You keep telling yourself and others who have noticed your worrying pattern that it’s always good to have ‘a plan b’. Deep inside you are tired but you are ploughing through to keep yourself and your loved ones ‘safe’. Are they really safe? How can you protect them? You can protect them by being a good and sensible human being. Your plan won’t save them, your plan gives you a false impression that you would protect them. In reality, you waste your time, the time you could spend with your loved ones instead of planning.
If you ever worry and start making a plan based on anxious thoughts and the worst possible outcome, get up and occupy your mind with something physically and mentally demanding, such as listening to music, running errands or simply talking to another human being. It such a simple and obvious solution but easily forgotten.
I never thought I would experience unique love which derives from motherhood. It’s a different kind of love and is exclusively available in the Universe. We are all part of of it, creating a wholesome mosaic which consists of miniature elements.
I belong to a highly sensitive, empathetic and extremely receptive group of creatures on this Earth who cannot decide if it’s a curse or a gift to be very perceptive to feelings, sounds, smells and surroundings. My imagination runs high helping me with creativity, my anxiety often kills me with exhaustion of constant worries and my heart breaks into milion tiny pieces seeing others suffering. I mould, shape and live my life the best I can. It has been enriched by you. You are a hard work Munchkin but I would do everything to make you smile. When you had your injections, I cried with you, the nurse probably thought I was another hormonally distressed mother but I cried because you were in pain and I couldn’t stop it even though it was for your own good.
I may not be perfect and I’m a simple person but I intend to teach you empathy. I vow to show you music, nature and the Universe from my own perspective. You may not be interested in it at all but I believe experiencing it during your childhood will be a treasure in your adult life.
I want to teach you to embrace your body & mind. I would like you to be able to treat it as a temple and look after it dearly. I want you to remember that there is no other human being like you. You are the most unique, the most impressive and the most amazing copy of yourself.
I will always love you, support you and protect you no matter what because motherly love never dies.
You’ve always worried but when you become a parent you enter the BUSH of different type of worry- it’s constant, it’s there and it won’t leave your side.
You juggle and tackle so many bits and pieces of your newly established existence as a parent. In the end of the day, when everyone is fed, happy and entertained you feel like you’ve just climbed the the top of the Mount Everest but then you think about yourself as a person and you realise you need to do something for yourself otherwise your baby brain will continue to deteriorate. You decide to exercise. After a full day of making sure your baby is well and sound, making the new house with your partner aka Papa John John a livable space and preventing your two mentally distorted cats from killing eachother you go to excercise. Your stamina has long gone and you are left with movements and strength of a 100 years old cool gal who is mobile for her age but lacks in coordination and balance skills. Once you’ve completed the set of torment you feel EPIC. You are a physical train wreck but mentally you are rejuvenated. You embrace the flow of happy chemicals in your brain and go to the kitchen to make yet another cup of coffee. Life is wonderful and you love the chaos.
My little beautiful terror is asleep, I should get up and go to do chores but as a sleep deprived mother I have every right to sit down with a GIANT mug of coffee and contemplate.
I want to share with you what I have discovered right now, my brain doesn’t stop overthinking, I always find myself feeling this heavy weight of future prediction. I’m full of ‘what ifs’ and it makes me tired. I’m fed up of trying to be prepared for the worst outcome in every single situation. I just want to relax and go with the flow. I’ve been sitting with a cup of coffee and I have stopped thinking and putting pressure on myself for few minutes and it’s felt good.
My tips of how to do it… I don’t have any yet except this one: stop everything and slow down in order to put yourself together.
I want to master living without that weight made of life predictions and worries and I’m going to update you guys with what I’ve learnt during my journey.
It’s been almost two weeks since our baby girl was born.
It’s been a challenge to gather thoughts and categorise them.
It’s been a turbulent ride of feelings and emotions.
It’s also been a wonderful time of a unique life transformation.
It’s been, it’s been… a journey of a lifetime.
Second of all, I want to say that nobody talks about postpartum mental and physical recovery of both parents. When you are pregnant you are bombarded with information about antenatal care, you are given basic info about postantal care but nobody really goes into details. Postanatal recovery is an individual process of bonding, healing ( mentally & physically) and accepting the new reality for both parents. After few first days with my newborn the reality of having a third person in the household ( apart from our demanding feline kids) has struck me hard. I’ve realised that this little person is with us and we are responsible for her. I quitely said goodbye to undisturbed days & nights. I was instantly flooded by waves of anxiety. I questioned myself how I was going to adjust to motherhood without treating my daughter like a third wheel. I simply let those intrusive thoughts go, I took small steps trying to be present in the current moment. After almost two weeks of being a parent I have accepted my daughter as a new member of our little family. I love her so much and I admire her every single time I hold her.
My partner has been amazing, he is a pro when it comes looking after our daughter. I know that he is going to have a unique bond with her and that’s what I’ve always wanted. He suffers with chronic migraines. He pulls through them like a warrior to be present for both of us. He looks after our child and offers me his support during my hormonal breakdowns ( they’ve gotten better, my hormones have started to settle- finally).
I still tear up ( I don’t think I will ever stop) when I think about first moments when I saw and held our little jumping bean. I also reminisce about my partner’s first moments with our daughter- seeing them both together having a skin to skin contact, him smiling & being the proudest father in the whole wide world and her just cuddling up to him and looking into his eyes filled me with pure joy and contentment. She is our miracle whom we love and adore. We intend to raise her as a descent human being.
This post is really made of many scattered thoughts which are still being categorised and grouped in to a descent order. I just wanted to share my initial thoughts with you of this amazing rollercoaster parenthood ride.