“The need to be alone
Yet afraid of being alone
Too afraid to sleep
Yet too tired to leave your bed
Caring about nothing
But caring too much about everything
You don’t want to be heard
But long for someone to help This is anger, hatred and abuse All within me
And yet I smile”
I believe that two types of people exist. The ones who talk and the ones who listen; All I did was the listening; I never learned how to talk.
So when life gave me experiences that will stay with me for as long as I live, I didn’t know how to communicate my thoughts. I didn’t know how to express myself. I didn’t know how to get things off of my chest.
I don’t know why I tried it, I just did. It was eight years ago and I wanted to write down what was going on in my head but I didn’t want anyone to know exactly what I was thinking. So I began writing creatively. I was crying for help. “Please ask me what this means!” “I won’t come forward and say to you what’s wrong; I want you to ask me”.
Did anyone ask me? No; simply because I didn’t share these pieces of creative writing. I was scared of what people would think. But now I feel I have turned a corner. And I now want people to see them. To see that, even though this is what I was thinking at times and this is what I did, I still moved forward and overcame every obstacle. I took steps, not leaps. It was not a quick process but I did it.
If I can, then so can you.
(I also want to say that by putting these pieces of creative writing out there for the world to see, I am not by any means saying they are good or that I am a good writer. They are more about the power of the mind and its ability to communicate in so many ways and in the end use the trauma to become stronger.)
I believe Paul Witty and Lou La Brant said it best. “Creative writing is a composition of any type of writing at any time primarily in the service of such needs as:
1. The need for keeping records of significant experience,
2. The need for sharing experience with an interested group, and
3. The need for free individual expression which contributes to mental and physical health”
Every point they make was a reason for this book coming together. Each experience I had I wanted to record in a way that was unique to me. So I wrote about my thoughts, fears and experiences in a composition that I felt comfortable doing so. With that, I was allowing myself slight rest from the anxiety I had experienced which has stretched more than eight years.
Here I am writing from my own experiences of living with a mental health issue, showing the good and the bad that comes with this. Through creative writing and my own experiences I give you a tale of playing on the mental health see-saw.
Creative Writing WORDS JUST COME NO MEANING TO ME YET ON PAPER THEY GO ENLIGHTENING TO SOME HOPE TO FEW CHANGE TO OTHERS TO CHANGE ME NOT YET. BUT CHANGE YOU? MAY BE THESE WORDS HAVE MEANING? MAY BE POSSIBLY
The Mental Health See-Saw
Playing on the mental health see-saw is not playing as you would a video game or any sport. It is like playing hide and seeks independently. You are trying to find the root cause of the lack of self- esteem, lack of confidence and allowing others to walk all over you; despite your knowledge of this happening to you, just to feel worthwhile.
Hide and seek can be easy but it can be frustrating. Depending on whom you are and what you are up against. Some thoughts are easy to find, easy to understand and clear, whilst others are not. The reason for the see-saw is that it may not just be one thought that tips the see-saw. You may have to conquer several thoughts and experiences to get the see- saw to “balance”. Otherwise like most mental health sufferers you find the see-saw tipping one way on one day and the next day tipping the other way. It’s difficult to find that balance hence why the “Balance” is deemed a “perfect” scenario. Balancing this see-saw is a tricky and sensitive issue. A lot of short term solutions are available. They are attractive to a lot of people. A short term solution is just another way of hiding the issue.