Depression has a face

Depression has a face

A face you cannot see

You are cloaked from the world

Cuddled by darkness

Sleeping with your thoughts

Past and present

Intoxicate

Attractive thinking?

A way out

Tempting

People who should be there

Hide with someone else

Depression has a face

It is behind the smile

Do you not see?

I Can’t Fix Me

I have a problem I cannot fix

We cannot seem to move forward

Only backwards

To memories I wish were gone

And say goodbye

Good-bye

To the problems, I have no answers

To the problems I cannot fix

To the problems I cannot see

Say Goodbye

Goodbye

Say goodbye

Goodbye

To the problems, I have no answers

To the problems I cannot fix

To the problems I cannot see

Say goodbye

Goodbye

I have a problem I cannot fix

And all I see

Is myself

The Invisible Wall of Harm

I am just a creature

Who can’t keep his head off the pillow

Finding comfort

From the sweat and tears of long nights

Holding on to memories

Of which were long ago

Where fear always grows

But when covered in a warm white snow

Makes no misery

Makes no fear

Makes no sense

To those who never found harm

From walking out your front door

From going to town

From talking to another one

The harm that does not exist

But feels so real

That this snow and ice

Is protection

Until it melts

And I am ready to show the world

I am a creature

I am not a man

And I hide amongst the human race

Infected

Infected
Running through my veins
Carried all around my body

Poisoning my thought
Dismantling my mind
Infected
Shallow of mind
Sleeping just to reach tomorrow
Carrying you with me

Infected
Running through my veins
Carried through body and mind

Where I revered
Was disillusion
You’re a disease
An infection

Running through my veins
Carried through body and mind

I carry you with me
Looking for a cure
Looking for life
A life I had before

I have no cure.
I have nothing left.
You gave me everything babe
And I’m infected.

Demanding Innocence?

Violence and intrusion

A Moment of Confusion

This is the moment i feared

My Cry that you cannot hear

 

A hold you had on me

A firm and fearful grasp

You coward behind me

Beneath your dark, black mask

 

The others you saw

They wanted to run

My heart pumping away

I felt weak, like a dying sun

 

We still could not move it

We had to go back again

Your black shroud, controlling

Hurting, fellow men

 

Possessed by urge

You reached your point

Again you wanted me

Again you urged me

Again you killed me

 

The door was open

You grabbed the prize

I lie there, such horror have I seen

I wait there, for my cries to be heard

I stay there for days, haunted by you

 

I want to leave…..

Don’t Give Up – It comes, it goes, sometimes its worse than other times but at the end of the day you will get over it.

Samaritans – How we can Help

The talk of taking ones life has hit my senses more often than i can take. I feel for the families and friends of those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. What hurts the most is sometimes the simple question – Why? Why make those plans with me? Why leave me? Why didn’t i see this?

Truth is and it hurts the most to know that no one will ever know. People will say they were selfish for taking their own life but the reality of it is that they believed that the world was better of without them. They were not being selfish. They were hurting. They were blocked from happiness and anyone who calls it the easy way out does not understand the reality of living with a mental illness.

I once came close it being a statistic myself. I once believed that my existence had lost all meaning and value and that their was no reason for me. Even with a supportive Mother and Father, two loving sisters and pets that would stay awake with me long hours into the night i still couldn’t see it. I didn’t plan my attempt. It was spontaneous. Just a normal night on my own just craving someone to talk to. Craving for my partner at the time to acknowledge that i am me and i just need support. I felt no one outside of my house was there for me and that i was becoming too much of a burden for them.

Within a few months of that i was back to work. I begun building my life back. Becoming sociable again. Starting a new role at work and laughing again. That time was a dark time for me but it didn’t last forever. It was a phase and if you can get through the “phase” of the see-saw tipping too much then you can become stronger for it.

It is important to read information from the link above as they can help. I have copied some points from the article below for what you can do to help improve your mood step by step.

There are lots of things you can do to help yourself

  • Make time for yourself, relax and do things you enjoy – Don’t work yourself into the ground.
  • Eat healthily; get plenty of sleep and exercise – Junk food and alcohol are massive triggers for affecting your moods. A healthy body helps promote a healthy mind.
  • Spend time with people you love
  • Talk about your problems with people you trust – And ideally someone you know who will understand.
  • Be proud of what you’re good at, as well as aware of what you struggle with – Just because you struggle doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you are learning and trying and on a road to improvement.
  • Pay attention to what you’re feeling. – This can help you identify an anxiety trigger. Where you are, What you are doing and who you are with.

 

Don’t aim for big steps as that will only set you back. Focus on something small on move on from that. Every step forward is a big success and its okay to have the off day, we all do. But don’t lose sight of the goal. And don’t lose yourself. You don’t need to be suicidal to talk to anyone and if you see someone showing the signs you can get advice yourself. Open up before you hit a brick wall and before you know it you will understand why you feel what you feel and know that this is just like a cold. It comes, it goes, sometimes its worse than other times but at the end of the day you will get over it.

360 Anxiety

Everyone who has suffered from anxiety knows about the mood swings, the loss of breathe and the panic that ensues.

Slowly but surely the trigger that we had we recognize and can spot the signs sooner each time.

But sadly we are never limited to one thing that triggers anxiety in ourselves.

Are We?

No.

From someone walking behind me to not replying to be in a large group of people as some to mention i have adapted and understand what my body is doing in each of these scenarios but now being in a traffic accident today i now have to add sitting in a car to my list.

Whilst stationary in traffic another driver who i believe was doing over 30 -35mph went into the back of my car surging myself forward and into the rear of another vehicle who then collided with another.

I can remember the moment when it was calm. When i was just talking to my partner @anya786 talking through bluetooth and then the moment when the innocence of the moment was torn away in a thunderous jolt sending shards of glass forward, shaking me around and ending the conversation in screams of confusion and turmoil.

The rest is blank. Until i put the handbrake on and grab my phone to vacate the vehicle to see the culprit falling out of the vehicle and the other drives surveying the damage.

I know i will drive again. I have to. But i know now that i reminded of the incident through the whiplash and the pain i feel. I can smell the “crash” and the stench of the road filters through my senses now. But i know i will put that aside as i have to continue with my life. If i don’t i can’t progress. I can’t work. I can’t visit family and friends. I can’t move.

The best way to manage your anxiety is to face it. Especially in a safe environment.

Driving is something i have done for over a decade so its all to familiar and the first time i have suffered an incident like this i am hoping will be more prominent in the future than the memories of July 12th 2017.

Acceptance

“the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable”

Acceptance has only one path. We either accept or we don’t. There is no in-between. We would only be standing still if not for acceptance. Who we are and acceptance of that enables us to move  forward instead of being left behind.

I find mental health treatment only succeeds when the condition is accepted. Acceptance allows someone to understand themselves. To know that what they are feeling, what others are seeing is not permanent. Its a state of mind.

To accept is the beginning of the journey and your story can move forward. Your journey has already begun without you even realising and now is time to get yourself back on track.