Fear of Motherhood

Congratulations if you are pregnant.

If you are trying to conceive- Good Luck.

If you are thinking to conceive but are flooded with fear and doubts my advice to you is: go for it, there is never a perfect time or an opportunity to have a child. Life is full of hurdles so if you really want fo bring a new life into this twisted but wonderful world just do it.

Life without a child as a couple is very convenient. You are solely responsible for yourselves, indulging in existence is joyful and planning expenses is much easier because you don’t bear the burden of making sure that a tiny human being who is not capable of sustaining their basic needs entirely relies on your physical, mental and financial support. I’m going to be brutally honest with you, as a mum to be, I’m terrified of that whole new sense of a responsibility. My partner feels the same. We are both excited about our new arrival, we can’t wait to meet our baby girl but at the same time we are both petrified. Hence we take everyday as it goes without assuming things or rushing into despair or fortune telling which is not an easy thing to do. For instance, I’m on maternity leave and have begun to sort my my baby’s room, I know people who thrill while doing it but I could compare the whole experience to walking barefoot on the shattered glass which has been maliciously scattered on the floor just for me haha. I know, I sound very dramatic but going into my daughter’s room is a reminder of the unknown and I associate this unknown with struggle, pain and fear. Let me explain why.

I have dealt with anxiety atleast 80% of my life and I’m already 30 years old woman. My mind is like a library. Every situation and every thought is carefully categorised and placed on the shelf. The biggest collection of ‘books’ reside on the shelf which is labelled ‘fear’. I could almost compare that shelf to Purgatory ( which is a place where Roman Catholics believe the spirits of dead people are sent to suffer for their sins) where new occurances in my life are initially placed before being adequately categorised. Sometimes I despise myself for it because if I’m being rational the fear doesn’t occur to me as much. I use the fear as a coping mechanism which suppose to protect me from unpleasant experiences. It’s obvious that this self- invented self- security system fails most of the time making my mind overwork itself. So after years of sending new experiences to Purgatory I decided to change it. Don’t take me wrong, I haven’t gotten rid of mighty selection of ‘Anna’s fears’ because it works like a filter for me. It’s a bit like OCD, I analyse my thoughts preparing for ‘the plan a and b’ but then I simply face my fears. If I didn’t face them I wouldn’t go in my baby’s room and I wouldn’t start sorting it out. I would stay the heck away from it hoping for the best ( solely relying on my partner’s help). I take one step at the time while dealing with it. For example, yesterday, I washed baby’s clothes and today I will take care of the nursery equipment and accessories. That’s my plan of action. Again, I would love to say that doing it is a pleasant experience but it’s not. The only positive idea which I’m able to think of is a sense of pride and achievement after I finish working on tasks which I have set myself to complete. I know that I will feel the same after finishing my baby girl’s room or her arrival. Afterwards, I will move the book of I’m terrified of becoming a mother’ to a shelf labelled ‘life’.

Pregnant Mental Chaos

When you are trying for a baby and you are first time parent you read a lot, you anticipate and imagine what’s going to be like to carry a child under your heart and give birth to them. You go through different scenarious, you even dare to think that you are strong enough to be in control of your body & mind throughout the whole pregnancy and others who can’t cope are weak attention seekers.

You do a pregnancy test and you find out that you are in fact pregnant. You are overwhelmed and overjoyed with this wonderful news. You can’t believe your own eyes so you take one, two, three, four tests to just make sure that you are REALLY pregnant. You find a group of women on the internet who advise you that it’s best to control the raising level of pregnancy hormone by purchasing three digital pregnancy tests. You do it without any hesitation and do a pregnancy test every week in hope to see ‘3+’ on its display. When you finally see it new symptoms and worries kick in. You fight with tiredness, fatigue, dizinness, nausea and anxiety.

You ask yourself-

What have I put myself into?

Is my child developing well?

What if there is something wrong with the baby and I will find out about it during my 12 week scan.

How am I going to cope at work?

You pull through all this and finally have a 12 week scan, you are filled with questions, excitement, joy and fear. You see your baby on the screen, hear the sonographer saying- ‘Everything looks ok’ and you think- ‘Well, now it must be going to be fine.’ Weeks fly by, you deal with horrendous backache combined with on and off spotting. You become a frequent visitor of A&E and later antenatal department at your local hospital. The fact that you are rhesus negative doesn’t help because you require anti d injections to prevent a serological conflict everytime you bleed.

You are 16 weeks pregnant and discover that you are carrying a baby girl. You are surprised but happy about it. The symptoms subside and you begin to enjoy the pregnancy. You have more energy and the fact that you’ve just started feeling little kicks makes you the happiest person in the world. The 20 week scan comes, again, you deal with a great ammount of fear mixed with joy and anticipation. The scan takes around 40 minutes to complete and you are relieved to hear that the baby is doing absolutely fine.

At around 24 weeks pregnancy your sister from another mother abandones you and you make a sober decision that it’s best to cut her out of your life because she’s a very self- centered person who only looks after herself and expects others to do it so. On the top of that you begin to experience unpleasant symptoms which left you when you were 14 weeks pregnant. Nausea, fatigue, dizziness and pain welcome back to my twisted world. The only thing which makes you happy is feeling your little girl boxing you from inside.

Your fiánce has been supporting you since the beginning. He is very loving and understanding. You feel like the biggest miserable cow but he still makes you feel attractive and good about yourself. You are are immensely gratful for his ongoing support which prompts you to be very excited about growing your family with him because you love him so much. He is your partner for life and you are looking forward to growing old with him and being one of those cool old couples which melt your heart.

When you are 32 weeks pregnant it finally hits you that you are going to become a parent to a little girl who loves punching you and stretching inside your belly very, very soon. You love her so much already….

Religious Trap

I have been through a lot, I have seen a lot and I have learnt a lot. What I have learnt about life is that it’s made of choices. We are decision makers not the Mighty God in heaven. Being brought up as a Roman Catholic I was always forced to believe that nothing is in my power, my destiny has been decided for me and I can’t do anything about it. I remember ( as a child) attending the mass at our local church and listening to a priest talking about sins, purgatory, hell and heaven. There was a set of rules to avoid further suffering after life ( the life is meant to be a nasty long trial which leads to heaven or hell) : confession, money donation, frequent church attendance, prayer, prayer, prayer and overwhelming fear of everything which might be considered evil ( because that surely would bring you misfortune) may grand you a ticket to the garden of Eden. When a bad luck knocks at your door you must still pray as this is the God testing your strength and faith in him. I remember that everything was based and built on fear:

– fear of misfortune

– fear of hell

– fear of suffering

– fear of death

– fear of loosing everyone you love and literally burning in hell

People were brainwashed to think that they would be thrown into eternal condemnation and torment if they didn’t follow the rules which were imposed on them. That manipulation caused some of the vulnerable people like my mother to develop depression which derived from her well established anxiety. Her anxiety was created upon feeling rejected and misunderstood by her own parents which prompted her to moving out, meeting my father ( who battled his own demon of being an alcoholic) and marrying him. She did it after three months of ignoring all the possible signs which kindly whispered to her that her husband to be needed to help himself first before entering another marriage ( his first marriage fell apart because his former wife didn’t put up with his alcohol abuse). My mother’s parents were against her new relationship warning her that she is making a big mistake. After the wedding, my mother had tried to hide the lack of consistent income, alcohol abuse of my father and general personal torment of ‘it wasn’t suppose be like that’ from her parents who refused to attend her own marital celebrations ( due to their disapproval). Eventually, she had succumbed into realms of anxiety completely and asked my grandmother for help ( after I was born). My grandparents had helped my mother financially a lot, without them we wouldn’t have money to buy simple necessities like bread and milk many times to come. In the meantime, my brother was born and my father continued drinking while working in out of Germany. My mother had developed a self- destructive coping technique of being completely devoted to her faith. She had spent hours praying on her knees, listening to Roman Catholic radio, dragging us to church and hoping that one day our destiny would kindly change. In her own point of view we were condemned.

As a young girl, when my friend borrowed a cassette with songs which I previously recorded from the radio my mother was furious because it turned out that she took that cassette and recorded a podcast from her favourite religious radio station over my songs. The whole cassette wasn’t graciously smitten by Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath anymore but was a 80 minute long lecture of how to avoid being sent to Purgatory after death. I found it hilarious but she was furious not because she had lost it but she was afraid that my friend’s parents would think bad of her devotion to God. She knew it was very intense.

My mother was stricken by depression and anxiety but she knew how to hide it well from others. She suffered within four walls, us- her children were listeners, she had said ‘goodbye’ to us so many times because she was convinced that she was dying on a heart attack ( in reality she had suffered from reoccurring and frequent panic attacks). She had constantly prayed and that had made her even more paranoid to the point of viewing others as our enemies. We had moved at least five times before my 8th birthday due to my father’s unstable employment. She had begun to isolate herself more and more. None of children’s friends which I had made were good enough for her because according to her they were taking advantage of me. She continued deepening her faith and stating that if she could she would become a nun and that one day she would be one. I had always felt responsible for her and my younger brother. As a child, I despised being forced to pray or going to church because I saw that it didn’t help my mother but made her mental well-being worse and worse. When I was 6 years old I was trying to count how many years I had left before I became 18 years old adult because I knew that I could legally take care of my brother at this age ( if anything really happened to my mother as she had stated she was dying).

When I was 11 years old and my achievements at school were getting worse I opened my mouth and tried to talk to my teacher about problems at home. My teacher talked to my mother who obviously denied everything and stated that I had a well developed imagination. My grandfather died soon after. My mother took it very hard and went through another episode of severe depression which made her almost hospitalised due to lack of appetite and severe anemia. The whole experience prompted her to become independent. She had stopped relying on my father, found a job, went back to Uni and finished her degree. My father realised that he could loose her and stopped drinking. He stopped drinking when I was 15 years old because my mother threatened him to end their marriage for good. He didn’t want to end up loosing everything plus he loved my mother who had pulled him out of the gutter on and on.

She continued her trips to church and says to this day that God helped her during those difficult times. I don’t deny God, in fact, I believe in God as they call it- I view it as good helpful energy which can help you in your life if you make sensible and right choices. What I don’t believe in is religion itself. Religion has been created to control the society and prey on vulnerable people like my mother. She credits her religion for all the achievements in her life but I credit her OWN CHOICES. We have a choice to be good or bad. Being sensible has its perks but being bad has its consequences.

My mother still continues her daily trips to church, donates money to it and prays intensely for my brother in hopes for being released from prison. He is in prison because he committed a crime out of his own stupidity. He faces consequences of his poor behavior and choice. My mother sees it as a trial which has been sent down on our family from God- bullshit.

I have separated myself from it because I tried to change her point of view for so long. I had tried to help her mentally which had left me depressed and emotionally drained. I aim to lead normal life away from fanaticism and excessive religious devotion but at the same time I respect my mother’s choices because I love her. It breaks my heart seeing her being used by her own faith and her mental health suffers because of it. She believes the more she prays, the bigger the chance for her poor destiny to reverse itself. She refuses to live a life. She is an adult and she has made her choice of being stuck in one spot walking in circles…

Hypocrite due to Difficulties

I often talk about the benefits and healing properties of active meditation. I’m known of giving tips and advice how to succesful free your mind from tge realms of ovewhelming stress.

I’d always thought that I had it perfectly mastered. Oh, how I was wrong. Today, I needed to go outside to relax and collect my thoughts due to being under stress. I decided that it was a perfect opportunity to activately meditate. I tried it and I failed. My mind was so occupied with anxiety and negative predictions that it felt like it was being devoured by an alligator.

I had stopped it and insted focused on a picture on the fence. I stared at it and breathed for good 2-3 minutes letting my thoughts flow with its own pace. Afterwards, I didn’t feel completely resurrected but partially alive which was enough for me to funcion.

Blurry Morning

Woke up with a porridgy and blurry mind? Do you feel like you can’t face the day?

It’s just your tired mind sending you signals that you must do something to unload the cargo consisting of worries and problems. You need to make some space for new arrivals.

Have you tried active meditation?

It’s simple, if you are in bed, focus on the surroundings, the softeness of the bedding and the way you are positioned in bed. Next, get up, walk towards the window and look through it. What can you see? Open it, don’t forget about breathing.

Enhale

Exale

and

Look. Focus on every single details. What colour are the walls of the house next to yours? Are there any birds sitting on the roof? Crows, pigeons or Sparrows?

Do you feel any better?

You can do it.

Control

Being in control…

anya786

Who doesn’t love to be in control? Most of the human population does. People like to feel in power & charge of their own destiny. When the reality begins to crumble the anxiety creeps in leaving them simply sad and lost. It’s very easy to talk about it but the challenge comes in the real life occurrences. Life is full surprises & obstacles. It’s impossible to change it but staying determined, motivated and sensible will help to approach the issue , alter & influence it in a way that it will be somehow beneficial for those who are affected.

Don’t allow yourself to give up, don’t stay idle but always strive to achieve your best.

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My Calming Remedy

What’s your calming remedy?

anya786

If you feel,

rough,

down,

sad,

hurt,

anxious

or depressed

then look for anything which is related to nature. I consider ‘green power’ to be the best calming remedy. In order to correctly use it, please, focus on the present moment and think about what your eyes can see. Try to notice as many details as possible. Your mind will become occupied with a distractive thought and will instantly become more at ease.

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Mental Cloud

When the mental cloud of being idle comes and grabs your soul making you feel worthless, miserable and unprepared for a day ahead don’t think about yourself in a negagive way. Instead pull through the day by following a list. A to do list is a simple but efficient way of putting your day in order. It doesn’t need to be written down it can stay in your head ( if it doesn’t cause you mentally too much pressure). After ticking one task off the list you will feel a sense of relief and on the top of that you will experience a wave of relaxing sensation. The relaxing sensation derives from the fact that you have made yourself occupied with something else apart from your problems. Putting it in a simpler way you’ve given your mind a well deserved break and you are experiencing benefits of it.

The hardest part of it is to get going. My advice would be : GET UP AND GO, YOU CAN DO IT.