Mummy’s Life

You’ve always worried but when you become a parent you enter the BUSH of different type of worry- it’s constant, it’s there and it won’t leave your side.

You juggle and tackle so many bits and pieces of your newly established existence as a parent. In the end of the day, when everyone is fed, happy and entertained you feel like you’ve just climbed the the top of the Mount Everest but then you think about yourself as a person and you realise you need to do something for yourself otherwise your baby brain will continue to deteriorate. You decide to exercise. After a full day of making sure your baby is well and sound, making the new house with your partner aka Papa John John a livable space and preventing your two mentally distorted cats from killing eachother you go to excercise. Your stamina has long gone and you are left with movements and strength of a 100 years old cool gal who is mobile for her age but lacks in coordination and balance skills. Once you’ve completed the set of torment you feel EPIC. You are a physical train wreck but mentally you are rejuvenated. You embrace the flow of happy chemicals in your brain and go to the kitchen to make yet another cup of coffee. Life is wonderful and you love the chaos.

Anxiety

A friend of mine

The worst enemy

An eye opener

A haunting nightmare

A heart breaker

An empathetic friend who reminds me of the core value of our distorted world

A disabling partner for life

It seems to be the worst curse to carry around yet I feel blessed to be a part of it. I have mastered cohabiting with anxiety.

I’ve made a tiny room in my soul for anxiety so it doesn’t feel rejected, and it doesn’t rebel to be heard or be understood because I know it so well.

I know it same as I know the darkest side of my unique and rebelious INNER CHILD.

Enlightenment

My little beautiful terror is asleep, I should get up and go to do chores but as a sleep deprived mother I have every right to sit down with a GIANT mug of coffee and contemplate.

I want to share with you what I have discovered right now, my brain doesn’t stop overthinking, I always find myself feeling this heavy weight of future prediction. I’m full of ‘what ifs’ and it makes me tired. I’m fed up of trying to be prepared for the worst outcome in every single situation. I just want to relax and go with the flow. I’ve been sitting with a cup of coffee and I have stopped thinking and putting pressure on myself for few minutes and it’s felt good.

My tips of how to do it… I don’t have any yet except this one: stop everything and slow down in order to put yourself together.

I want to master living without that weight made of life predictions and worries and I’m going to update you guys with what I’ve learnt during my journey.

The Truth About Postpartum Period

You’ve just had your baby. You’ve been expected to return to your former glory within few weeks after giving birth but it hasn’t happened yet…. hmmmm.

While being pregnant, you imagined yourself strolling with a pram, full of energy and optimism through the town few days after birthing your baby. Currently, you are willing to invest in the IV coffee drip constantly fighting exhaustion and tiredness. You’ve got mum’s body, no energy and you know what else we could add to your newly emerging list?

POSTPARTUM RECOVERY

I’m sorry but NO ONE told you that it would be difficult. In your head, you were meant to bounce back after pregnancy survival mode and a childbirth camp like a bunny sprinkled with the morning dew drops. That did not happen. Instead:

– you bled like a slaughtered lamb

– you ached and you were bruised all over like you’ve just been in the car crash

– you wished you could pull out your insides while pooing

-you wondered about your vagina being badly grazed and swollen for days

– you fought dizzy spells and fatigue caused by hormonal havoc

– you burst into tears (you were hormonally overwhelmed ) because you convinced yourself that your cat was going blind- she fell down from the water butt while trying to climb up the window.

The physical aspects of postpartum recovery are hard enough to soften the strongest human being but the mental side caused by the immense hormonal imbalance after childbirth is equally hard. You are a new mum, you are trying to physically recover while trying to look after the newborn and you mentally struggle. You are emotionally overwhelmed and filled with joy because you love your child so much but you feel constantly worried. You are worried because you are not sure if you are looking after your baby well enough and because you are simply trying to adjust to having a new responsibility 24/7. You are also concerned about your physical well being- feeling rotten and unwell doesn’t help you in any way BUT IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER.

I’ve been through it, nobody has told me about hardships of postpartum recovery. I expected everything to go back to normal almost instantly after going through the labour of my daughter but it obviously didn’t happen. It’s been a slow and bumpy process of adjusting and accepting a new situation in my life. I love my small family consisting of my partner, our daughter and two crazy cats.

My advice to you would be to take each day as it goes, ask for help and talk about your feelings out loud. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel and look like a train wreck but make an effort to take few mints to do something just for yourself- nails, hair, long shower or a bath or simply have a nap or a cheeky drink while listening to a favourite album.

You are doing great mumma x

Happiness

We were both tired after a long day and a sleepless night with our daughter. My partner went upstairs with Miss Little Munchkin aka Jumping Bean first, I followed after. When I got upstairs I saw them both sleeping soundly. I stopped for a moment and let my heart fill with joy and happiness of seeing two people whom I love with my whole heart relaxing and resting.

What does make you happy?

I often find out that people feel happy when they surround themselves with materialistic items or money. They forget the importance of emotions and feelings which doesn’t cost a dime.

Stop for a moment, forget about the money and materialistic items and ask yourself what’s really important in your life.

Initial Thoughts

It’s been almost two weeks since our baby girl was born.

It’s been a challenge to gather thoughts and categorise them.

It’s been a turbulent ride of feelings and emotions.

It’s also been a wonderful time of a unique life transformation.

It’s been, it’s been… a journey of a lifetime.

Second of all, I want to say that nobody talks about postpartum mental and physical recovery of both parents. When you are pregnant you are bombarded with information about antenatal care, you are given basic info about postantal care but nobody really goes into details. Postanatal recovery is an individual process of bonding, healing ( mentally & physically) and accepting the new reality for both parents. After few first days with my newborn the reality of having a third person in the household ( apart from our demanding feline kids) has struck me hard. I’ve realised that this little person is with us and we are responsible for her. I quitely said goodbye to undisturbed days & nights. I was instantly flooded by waves of anxiety. I questioned myself how I was going to adjust to motherhood without treating my daughter like a third wheel. I simply let those intrusive thoughts go, I took small steps trying to be present in the current moment. After almost two weeks of being a parent I have accepted my daughter as a new member of our little family. I love her so much and I admire her every single time I hold her.

My partner has been amazing, he is a pro when it comes looking after our daughter. I know that he is going to have a unique bond with her and that’s what I’ve always wanted. He suffers with chronic migraines. He pulls through them like a warrior to be present for both of us. He looks after our child and offers me his support during my hormonal breakdowns ( they’ve gotten better, my hormones have started to settle- finally).

I still tear up ( I don’t think I will ever stop) when I think about first moments when I saw and held our little jumping bean. I also reminisce about my partner’s first moments with our daughter- seeing them both together having a skin to skin contact, him smiling & being the proudest father in the whole wide world and her just cuddling up to him and looking into his eyes filled me with pure joy and contentment. She is our miracle whom we love and adore. We intend to raise her as a descent human being.

This post is really made of many scattered thoughts which are still being categorised and grouped in to a descent order. I just wanted to share my initial thoughts with you of this amazing rollercoaster parenthood ride.

Reality Vs Expectations

Reality vs expectations pose a big dilemma…. surely something to think about.

Do we love the world we live in? Or we’d rather escape in to the land of eternal madness. I must admit, I’d love the other option to be available because I don’t understand this world anymore. I’m not the first or the last person to admit the fact that the mental health ignorance, injustice, violence, and political games disgust me. It makes us put different masks on in order to thrive and survive among sharks in this world. I truly admire musicians who spread the message about the reality of the world through their music without carefully threading words.

Korn

System of Down

Sepultura

Controversial, full of feelings, anger and emotions lyrics are often questioned by others who wrongly interpret them because how wrong is to speak up the truth or criticise precisely sculpured modern society.

What makes me angry is that our loveable media PRETENDS to care and talk about mental health, bullying, suicide and other related issues. Our healthcare system is poorly designed to tailor the help to the needs of an affected person. A person is not looked at from the perspective of an individual but is categorised based on the completed assesment. While I understand that it might be efficient and money saving strategy it’s not helpful at all. As a tax payer who contributes to the healthcare system every single month I have every right to demand some significant improvement. For example, if someone suffers from anxiety for years, has had therapy, has read many self help books and is currently experiencing stress symptoms related to a life changing event sending them to a ‘ Stress Managing Workshop’ will not help them. It won’t be effective because the workshop covers the basics, it’s an introduction to the mental health management of which that person is blissfully aware from a long, long time. FAILURE.

Blaming social media for an increase in suicides among teenagers… Social media provides a platform for freedom of speech and self- expression. The accurate question here would be directed to the affected by tragedy family – Where had you all been when your relative was battling mental health issues? If the social media was censored do you really think that the suicide wouldn’t occur? It would! The social media is not the one here to blame…. but your pure ignorance, lack of understanding and living in the pure oblivion. Harsh but true.

My advice would be to pay attention to the behaviour of your loved ones and act on it if you spot any change. Don’t take the answer – ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m going to be ok’ for granted because it means nothing, it might be alright but it may also mean a deep layer of suffering and solitude which resides underneath this light topping.

PLEASE READ IT

What to do if you are worried about someone?

A Wandering Mind of a Pregnant Woman

My mind often wonders in the most peculiar way. I contemplate about things which have taken place and possibilities which may occur. Recently, what has surprised me the most is the fact that I don’t enjoy my mother being nice and supportive towards me or rather towards her unborn grandaughter. I should be happy about her current state of mind but I’m not. It makes me angry and furious. She hasn’t been there for me when I needed her so why would I need her now!? I’ve been left to deal with the abusive marriage and ex years ago on my own. She decided to step back and focus on my ever so adoring brother and his ex partner. She wasn’t nowhere to be found? She never really took an interest in me as in an individual. I haven’t seen her for over six years and the fact that she is coming to visit my small family fills me with mixed feelings. I’ve invited her and my father to meet their grandaughter and my fiancè. I just don’t need her word of advice and support- it’s worth nothing to me. In the end of the day, she is my mother and due to the fact that she’s always relied on my mental support I put up with her.

Another thing that has occupied my mind is bullying and mistreatment of your loved ones. It doesn’t only affect a person who is directly exposed to bad treatment. It also has an effect on their loved ones who are aware of the situation but are helpless. They are helpless because they can’t do anything to change or improve the issue. They can just offer them moral and mental support and hope for the best. It hurts when you see a person who you admire, who you love and who you are always proud of feeling down and upset. If it was up to the loved ones they would certainly do something about it but maltreatment is not always obvious to a person who’s been dealing directly with the bullies.

I often wonder what causes bullying and abusive behaviour and only two things have come into my mind. The first reason is fairly simple and consists of a bully who presents a narcissistic and sociopathic nature and takes pleasure in diminishing other people’s value. The second reason behind bullying is unhappiness combined with envy. When unhappiness meets envy mistreatment arises. The newly risen mistreatment aims to compensates for bully’s own misfortune by feeding them false sense power and self-validation. It’s a very destructive behaviour which targets good hearted people making them vulnerable. Simple as that.