Mental Cloud

When the mental cloud of being idle comes and grabs your soul making you feel worthless, miserable and unprepared for a day ahead don’t think about yourself in a negagive way. Instead pull through the day by following a list. A to do list is a simple but efficient way of putting your day in order. It doesn’t need to be written down it can stay in your head ( if it doesn’t cause you mentally too much pressure). After ticking one task off the list you will feel a sense of relief and on the top of that you will experience a wave of relaxing sensation. The relaxing sensation derives from the fact that you have made yourself occupied with something else apart from your problems. Putting it in a simpler way you’ve given your mind a well deserved break and you are experiencing benefits of it.

The hardest part of it is to get going. My advice would be : GET UP AND GO, YOU CAN DO IT.

Bumpy Bump

Before getting pregnant I thought I knew everything about the whole pregnancy thing. I thought I was prepared and had it all figured all. Surprise, surprise I’ve been unprepared not only for a load of physical symptoms but also for mental health overload.

It feels like I’ve been on a rollercoaster which never slows down, never stops but constantly accelerates. I barely have control over it but I still need to hold it together. Which I do but it’s heck of a challenge.

What do I do to help myself?

First of all, I’ve been talking about my feelings and emotions out loud. I find it very therapeutic to be able to share them with my partner Ian.

Secondly, I’ve been taking it easy when I need by using coping techniques from active meditation. The active meditation is all about being aware of the present moment and focusing on breathing.

I have mentioned two ways of dealing with mental health struggles during pregnancy but I also have one secret.

Let me reveal it to you… there is no cure for feeling low and down due to hormonal changes and underlying mental conditions. If you are not on any medication ( which by the way you should be taking religiously if advised and prescribed by your doctor) you need to take it easy and do everything which may make you feel better. Even if you feel like you’ve been hit by a track and ran over by a road roller (I’ve been there, I’ve done that).

It’s still all new to me, at times I’m confused, sad and weepy but there are also happy moments when I can feel our little baby drumming about in my belly.

Pregnancy is a wonderful miracle but it comes with its challenges. What it’s a unique experience which needs to be treated with sensitivity and respect.

How much is too much?

How much is too much? It’s a very general question. It can be related to anything. Today, this question is related to a job. I’m going to extend this question to:

How much mistreatment at work is too much to put a full stop to it?

I consider myself to be a very experienced, fairly simple and very straighforward human being who expects the same from others. I often forget that it’s fairly impossible to receive ‘ a full package’ from people around me as the world is full of mischievious idiots who just wait to devour eachother by gradual but effective backstabbing.

Where am I going with it?

I feel like people like me who perceive the world in a simple and realistic way struggle a lot. I’m sensitive and not interested in politically strategic games. Someone would say- ” Why don’t you change yourself?” Well, I’ve tried it in the past and as a 30 years old adult I don’t want to pretend to be someone who I’m not for the sake of being an accepted and succesful woman.

Am I a looser? No, I’m not. I’m ‘me’, a unique version of Anya which can’t be replaced.

The only thing that bothers and hurts me is mistreatment which occurs at work. It’s a very complex, comperable to being incarcerated situation.

Why?

I have bills to pay, food to buy and expenses to cover. The responsibilities make me ( and most of other people in a similar position) stay in the toxic situation. The optimist would say- ‘Go to HR, talk to them, they will understand’. I completely agree, in a perfect world full of fluffy marshmallow clouds that would work. But it won’t. You know why? Because many companies & businesses consists of the management team of which members fit in together like the most perfect mosaic jigsaw puzzle pieces. They will not get rid of one another because they desperately need eachother for the sake of the company to prosper. It’s easier to dismiss one troublesome employee and look for another to replace them. It’s like 1 poor human being against 1 milion Zombie troops. Other employees don’t say anything because:

a) they are too busy pleasing the management team in hope to be part of it

or

b) they talk about struggles at work and share your pain but they are scared to do anything about it because they will loose their source of income.

I fall into the second category, I bear the pain because I have to. Although, I feel like I’ve reached a breaking point when I know I will be looking for another job soon- while I’m on maternity leave.

My only advice to those who suffer, I feel your pain and I feel your struggle. Look after yourself in this twisted world. Do everything in your power to improve your situation by being sly, sneaky and clever among vipers in the work environment.

Take care of your mental health, don’t let anyone take advantage of you based on your mental health. It would be wonderful if we all could be open about it but unfortunately we can’t. Don’t be afraid to take some time off if you mentally struggle but always remember to cover your back by going to your doctor or contacting the Union.

Love & Peace

Shocking !!!

Is it shocking that at times I need some space ?

Is it shocking that after a day of dealing with people I need some time to recover?

Is it shocking that I’m an extremely straighforward and introverted person who values communication more than anything?

Is it shocking that I keep distance from people whom I don’t trust?

Is it shocking that I reject to conform to society standards of everyday living and interaction?

I am who I am and I appreaciate being the solely and only real version of myself.

Are you real?

Have you beaten yourself up for not fitting socially in a group of peers?

Have you tried to change yourself to the point of loosing your identity?

Have you changed yourself for someone in order to please them?

My pledge to you today is to not change anything about yourself for one day. Take a piece of paper and write down all of your wonderful quirks and qualities which you have. Stick to them for one whole day. It’s going to be the most difficult task you’ve ever done in your life because it will consist of everyday traps such as talking to people whom you don’t find easy to communicate with, saying ‘no’ to different requests, doing something brave on your own such as voicing your opinion againist others- being in minority instead of majority. It’s scary isn’t?

If you have made throughout the day with bumps and obstacles sit down, contemplate and celebrate a huge victory of being YOU.

If you carry on with the whole thing you may loose few fake ‘ dear friends’ but you will keep & gain people who appreciate you and your inner-self.

Cranberry Juice in Pregnancy World

I’m pregnant and I suffer from anxiety. I drink cranberry juice instead of gin. I do miss the mighty gin.

Two days ago I felt like my world came crushing down because I have experienced the worst anxiety and panic attack in years. It resulted for me in sobbing and weeping uncontrollably for two days. I convinced myself that my fiance would die in the car accident, that my mother would die due to the heart attack caused by long term family problems, that my father would go back to abusing alcohol and that my brother would commit suicide while being incarcerated. My head felt fuzzy, I was in a daze, it felt like something clicked in my brain and pushed me towards realms of depression. In the past, I allowed myself to slip in to deceiving arms of depression from anxiety and panic attacks periods. I know how this system works, I know how to manage my mental health, I know when and how to use coping techniques in order to not let myself suffer from depression again. It made me think though…

What if I was new to this?

What if the experience which I went through over the weekend pushed me to having a depression?

I wouldn’t know that it was a depression, I would simply deterioriate while growing a human being inside my body and struggling with all the changes that comes with it. I would feel sick and lost. I would feel demented, I would even feel suicidal. Therefore I have an appeal to make to all the pregnant ladies, partners and people in their lives:

If you feel sad, anxious, scared, lonely, defeated and afraid please talk to your doctor, family or friends.

If you feel that you’ve lost the ground under your feet please talk to your doctor, family or friends.

If you have felt down and low for a period of time and nothing makes you feel better please talk about it out loud.

We are here to listen and we don’t want you to feel that you are alone. If you feel misunderstood you have us, people who have been through shit in their life and who are not afraid to face mental health challenges.

Mental health problems are not the end of the world but the beginning of life which can be fulfilling if knowing how to manage the symptoms.

Love to you all xxx

I Can’t Fix Me

I have a problem I cannot fix

We cannot seem to move forward

Only backwards

To memories I wish were gone

And say goodbye

Good-bye

To the problems, I have no answers

To the problems I cannot fix

To the problems I cannot see

Say Goodbye

Goodbye

Say goodbye

Goodbye

To the problems, I have no answers

To the problems I cannot fix

To the problems I cannot see

Say goodbye

Goodbye

I have a problem I cannot fix

And all I see

Is myself

The Invisible Wall of Harm

I am just a creature

Who can’t keep his head off the pillow

Finding comfort

From the sweat and tears of long nights

Holding on to memories

Of which were long ago

Where fear always grows

But when covered in a warm white snow

Makes no misery

Makes no fear

Makes no sense

To those who never found harm

From walking out your front door

From going to town

From talking to another one

The harm that does not exist

But feels so real

That this snow and ice

Is protection

Until it melts

And I am ready to show the world

I am a creature

I am not a man

And I hide amongst the human race

Infected

Infected
Running through my veins
Carried all around my body

Poisoning my thought
Dismantling my mind
Infected
Shallow of mind
Sleeping just to reach tomorrow
Carrying you with me

Infected
Running through my veins
Carried through body and mind

Where I revered
Was disillusion
You’re a disease
An infection

Running through my veins
Carried through body and mind

I carry you with me
Looking for a cure
Looking for life
A life I had before

I have no cure.
I have nothing left.
You gave me everything babe
And I’m infected.