A Wandering Mind of a Pregnant Woman

My mind often wonders in the most peculiar way. I contemplate about things which have taken place and possibilities which may occur. Recently, what has surprised me the most is the fact that I don’t enjoy my mother being nice and supportive towards me or rather towards her unborn grandaughter. I should be happy about her current state of mind but I’m not. It makes me angry and furious. She hasn’t been there for me when I needed her so why would I need her now!? I’ve been left to deal with the abusive marriage and ex years ago on my own. She decided to step back and focus on my ever so adoring brother and his ex partner. She wasn’t nowhere to be found? She never really took an interest in me as in an individual. I haven’t seen her for over six years and the fact that she is coming to visit my small family fills me with mixed feelings. I’ve invited her and my father to meet their grandaughter and my fiancè. I just don’t need her word of advice and support- it’s worth nothing to me. In the end of the day, she is my mother and due to the fact that she’s always relied on my mental support I put up with her.

Another thing that has occupied my mind is bullying and mistreatment of your loved ones. It doesn’t only affect a person who is directly exposed to bad treatment. It also has an effect on their loved ones who are aware of the situation but are helpless. They are helpless because they can’t do anything to change or improve the issue. They can just offer them moral and mental support and hope for the best. It hurts when you see a person who you admire, who you love and who you are always proud of feeling down and upset. If it was up to the loved ones they would certainly do something about it but maltreatment is not always obvious to a person who’s been dealing directly with the bullies.

I often wonder what causes bullying and abusive behaviour and only two things have come into my mind. The first reason is fairly simple and consists of a bully who presents a narcissistic and sociopathic nature and takes pleasure in diminishing other people’s value. The second reason behind bullying is unhappiness combined with envy. When unhappiness meets envy mistreatment arises. The newly risen mistreatment aims to compensates for bully’s own misfortune by feeding them false sense power and self-validation. It’s a very destructive behaviour which targets good hearted people making them vulnerable. Simple as that.


If you have ever suffered from anxiety I’m sure you are familiar with a self- coping strategy which I call ‘safety net’.

What is it?

The safety net is an option or an alternative which you give yourself just in case you don’t feel like doing something or you experience anxiety symptoms.

It’s often criticised by proffesionals with fairly narrow minds who present a strict book approach. They claim that keeping an alternative and using it because you don’t want to take part in an activity feeds anxiety or depression and makes your state of mind worse. Your state of mind suppose to get worse because you AVOID the activity. I strongly disagree with the word- AVOIDANCE. You would start to avoid taking part in an activity if you purposefully and frequently cancelled your plans because of your inner and self- inflicted fear. You are the judge and you are a responsible person in this situation and it’s up to you to actually make a solid judgement of why you don’t want to take part in the activity.

Nothing can be seen as black or white in life therefore you can’t measure people’s ability or their frame of mind according to set measures or guidlines. If someone stricken by anxiety didn’t suffer from the fear of attending social gatherings and decided to cancel their plan that would be fully acceptable.


It would be fully acceptable because that person would use AN EXCUSE but when it comes to the anxiety sufferer they would be labeled ‘an excuse seeker’ propped up by the word AVOIDANCE straightaway. I consider it to be harmful because treating anxiety doesn’t mean putting yourself ‘out there’ at any cost. Treating anxiety means being able to MINDFULLY and SOBERLY making a decision while being FULLY AWARE of your emotions and thoughts in different life scenarios.


Do you look at other people who seem to fully enjoy their life? They appear to be articulate, they bloom with self- confidence and splatter their optimism everywhere they go. ‘It’s highly contagious- this optymistic attire’- you think to yourself. ‘I shall be more like them’- you contemplate. Accidentally, you get to know them better and surprisingly this bubble of joyful existence bursts. The magic has ended and the reality has kicked in… but why? How?

Life is made of different elements. Hence it would be simply impossible to stay high and ecstatic all the time (unless you relied on dope- which would be harmful anyway).

People who are naturally more outgoing and carry traits of an extrovert express themselves using social opportunities. These opportunities enable them to relax and unwind. They provide healthy balance for their mental wellbeing. Unsurprisingly, an introvert happily retrievs to their sanctuary doing whatever helps them to find peace within themselves again.

According to Thich Nhat Hanh (who has made my life brighter and better by assisting me in understanding the concept of it) your existence is comparable to a see-saw. In order to be able to live fully and without regrets you must be capable of welcoming positive and negative experiences in your life to create harmony. This harmony resembles a jigsaw puzzle, it’s very intricate but put together creates a unique story of your existence. The problem occurs when a person tries to erase or ignore problems. Then the jigsaw puzzle is incomplete, it inbalances you as a person and makes you feel lost and shattered. You become a snake trapped under a vase of burden with a flask by your side to numb the pain and reduce waves of oncoming fear.

Yes, I agree it’s not easy to deal with both- positivity and negativity at the same time. You can read a milion of self-help books, contemplate on the subject but you will never truly know if your see-saw is balanced until life throws at you both positive and negative experiences.

Eating Disorder Prior to Pregnancy

You suffered from an eating disorder in the past, you successfully conquered it and moved on with your life but fell pregnant. How would you feel about your body if it started rapidly changing, if you were loosing control over your appearance and panicking about how quickly digits on a weighing scale increase in numbers. It’s a complete, utter and heartbreaking time which suppose to be filled with happy memories.

Are you being irrational?

Yes !!!


Because everyone knows that the body of an pregnant individual goes through the hormonal storm and a physical transformation. It’s a miracle and a real test of endurance for a person who suffered from an eating disorder in the past.

You are no longer in control and the lack of it puts you down and makes you feel anxious. It’s a truly complicated and tricky situation which causes so much fear and anxiety in ones mind. You may even experience unhealthy and tempting thoughts of going back to old habits. You quickly brush them off your mind and explain yourself that it’s natural for your mind to wonder towards a maliciously tempting spiral of eating disorder due to your current situation- being pregnant.

What do you do to survive?

First of all, you are being kind to yourself by ALOWING the negative and toxic thoughts to be and float freely without dwelling on them, or worse, blaming yourself for having them. If a situation upsets you, for example, if you are weighed by your midwife talk about your feelings out loud. Express them verbally and don’t be afraid to cry and sulk in order to get all the negative emotions out of your system. You do it to prevent the accumulation of them which may lead to a relapse.

Another thing you can do is to look at the reflection of your naked body in the mirror and find five things which you like about it without comparing it to a prepregnancy perfection. For example, I have smooth skin, my breasts look gorgeous, I like the fact that my bum is firm and round, my hair looks strong and healthy, my bump has a lovely round shape etc.

By consciously enforcing positive thinking in your mind (which is filled with anxiety) you replace negative perception of your own BEAUTIFUL BODY with a positive picture of it. Your body is a strong and unique TEMPLE. Remember about it.

If you fancy you can write down little notes (self- affirmations) and stick them on the mirror or on the door of your wardrobe. Again, it works in the same way, you welcome the power of positive thinking by reading positive self affirmations.

Addictions or mental disorders don’t dissapear, they lurk in the corner of your mind waiting and hoping for you to trip over an obstacle and fall back into their stinging arms. Hence you need to be vigilant and use coping techniques to keep them at bay (at all times).

Body Image in Pregnancy

Body image is such a sensitive subject. You go through different stages in life and your body changes. I could compare it to a flower. When you are a baby you are like a bud then you pace through the mayhem of puberty and you begin to blossom. When you enter adulthood you are blooming with your uniqueness and personal beauty. You may bear scars and marks presented to you by the mighty existence but you are still exceptionally beautiful.

The individual perception of one’s appearance is another matter. You can be an astoundingly stunning lilly but in your own eyes you may look like a wilted and chewed by cats dandelion. You work on your body, you treat it as a temple by eating healthy and working out but….

What if you are physically restricted?

What if your body has been rapidly changing and you don’t have any control over it?

It’s frightening because all of the sudden you are not in control. A situation like this is comparable to being imprisoned in a box with peepholes in it. Yes, you are incarcerated in the box and carried around by the giant. You don’t have any influence on where you are going to be taken next. Is it going to be a good place or a pungent swamp? The only thing you can do is to hope for the best and enforce positive thinking about your body-image. That’s what happens during pregnancy.

During pregnancy you take part in this rapid not only physical but also mental transformation over the period of nine months. People keep telling you that you look beautiful, you are blossoming that the pregnancy suits you and you find it difficult to comprehend because in your mind it’s like telling a rotten egg that it’s a delicate rose. You are grateful for kindness and warmly hearted words but all you can see is a big fat blob and you are thinking- ‘ What on Earth has happened to my body?’. You are genuinly happy for being pregnant, you have positive feelings towards your unborn baby but you are terrified which is absolutely normal. You keep telling yourself that after pregnancy you will get your old body back and you will embrace any new stretchmark or loose skin because these are life scars which represents an important period in your life. You are a warrior. You’ve heard it from so many people around you but yet you need to give birth and experience it yourself to come to the final conclusion.

Three Steps to Low Mood Survival

When you wake up in the vile mood you can do three things:

1. Go back to sleep because it’s very likely that you are simply tired.

2. Take it easy but do not procrastinate, revisit your plan of the day and make it simpler.

3. Take a good care of your self, everyone is entitled to a bad day and self-care is crucial to get through it.

Pregnancy & Fear of the Future

Can’t you sleep?

Why do you wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety and worries looming over you.?

It’s so stresful to be pregnant and be awoken by the fear. Thinking about an upcoming labour doesn’t help. Being flooded by imaginative thoughts about your funeral based on childbirth are terrifying but absolutely normal.

What do you do to distract yourself and break the pattern of self-destructive thoughts?

Our brain never stops working and it processes thoughts 24/7. When the anxiety strikes it acts like a net which catches and traps a thought, we begin dwell on it, we realise that it’s unpleasant and we try to get rid of it as quickly as we can. The problem is that this newly captured thought could be compared to a tick who has already embedded itself in our skin. Pulling it out won’t solve the problem but it may bring a new layer of fear which will only add up to our exisiting anxiety stricken misery.

How to fix it?

The best thing to do in this situation is to let the anxiety be and the thoughts flow freely WHILE BEING OCCUPIED. It might be tricky at 2am in the morning but nothing stops you from getting up and grabbing a book or watching a movie. You will be relieved and amazed of the fear (which has caused you feeling low) slowly dissipating and loosing its worth as you proceed with keeping busy.

Toxic Family and Pregnancy

Where do I even begin?

How would you feel if your own mother didn’t respect you during pregnancy and was constantly jealous of your life? How would you feel if she made you feel guilty about ‘a better life’ ( according to her) because your brother is currently incarcerated for his own mistakes? How would you remain peaceful if she made you feel bad of the fact that other people were going to be involved more in looking after your baby daughter?

What if your therapist has opened your eyes by showing you that in fact you don’t have to entangle yourself in hours of meaningless, toxic and emotional conversation with your mother. They told you that she is an adult and it only depends on you if you allow her to mentally disturb you. If you contemplate on it you’ll assume that they are absolutely right. But there is one problem…

She is your mother. You have always felt a sense if responsibility for her. On the top of that you are aware that she acts in a certain way without even realising it. You always justify her behaviour by stating that it doesn’t fall into category of malicious intentions. At the same time, you feel mentally distorted and drained after staying in touch with her. It leaves you feeling shaky and it’s only because you defend your point of view. When you question her about what she’s said to you she always has an explanation for it trying very hard to prove you wrong and then endlessly telling you that she loves you so much. In fact, she didn’t love you that much nor let you know about it when your brother was around and you were used as ‘ a mental punching bag’ for her anxieties, frustration and fears.

How many times did she ask you if you were normal?

How many times did she tell you that if she died on a heart attack because of pain in her chest ( due to a panic attack and anxiety) it would be solely your fault? She even proceeded to telling you that you would live with the guilt. You were 13 years old.

How many times was she there for you when you started skipping school and self harming due to bullying at school?

How many times did she start an argument with you because she was in the mood for it and she knew you wouldn’t hold it back and then she acted offended for days?

How many times did she use you as a listener when she was upset with your father or her own family?

How many times did she treat your brother better to the point of other people around you ( your grandmother, your father, your uncle, your friend and even your neigbours) openly talking about it stating that it wasn’t right? When you confronted her about it she obviously didn’t see any problem in it. She told you that she treated you and your brother equally and that your brother agreed with her all the time and that’s the difference between you and him.

How many times has your mother tried to perseude you to act like nothing has ever happened? How many times has she tried to act as a perfect family? How many times has she tried to force money and gifts on you as a sign of love?

The list could go on and on and I’m not claiming that you were an angel but you were a child and then a young person who needed a mother not a mentally unstable person who put their problems and pressure on you. Your tendency to speak up out loud for yourself was a blessing in disguise because even though it had caused lots of tears and fractions it had also helped you to stay sane.

You just can’t break the cycle between you and your mother. You’ve have attempted to cut her out of your life at least three times, she apologised and things were better for a short period of time. Before your brother got himself into trouble and was sentenced to few years in prison conversations between you and your mother revolved around him of how great he was doing. I would say 70% of interaction consisted of an update regarding your brother. You were sick of it but ignored it as much as you could.

Things had been ‘normal’ for some time because you’d keep distance from your mother but you are pregnant now. You are more vulnerable, your mother has sensed it and has been preying on your emotional weakness by doing everything to make you feel guilty of not involving her more.

How can you involve her more!? You have been talking to her, updating her about the baby’s development and you have invited her to meet the newborn. She has sent gifts for the baby. She doesn’t have the financial means but you have allowed it because you thought that it would make her feel better. Then she had an idea, an idea of being your birth partner. You tried to delicately explain her that it’s a very intimate moment and your fiancé is your birth partner. You explained to her that it’s a very special time for you both as first time parents and that you would like her to respect it.

This moment has triggered an avelanche of negative behaviour from her side. First, she made you listened of how ignorant and uncaring your father was towards her. Next, how her own mother didn’t support her. When you wanted to share an experience regarding antenatal class with her she started acting jealous towards your partner stating that she never had what you have and that she had been through hell with your father and that she should have left him. The final straw was drawn when she asked you about a job. You told her your current situations and added that your partner’s mother was going to look after your child for two days a week when you return to work. She just couldn’t help herself but made few sneaky comments to awake that guilty feeling insude you that derives from the fact that she is not the one who is going to do it. Your parents live far away.

After all this, you broke in half and snapped. You had tried to be nice, calm and composed but your snapped in the end. You told her that she had no rights to act as a perfect mother or to have any demands towards you. You stated that the anxiety and panic attacks are caused by your distorted childhood and you are tired of constant battles with her. You were opened about the fact that conversations with her leave you drained and sad.

Last night you’ve given her an ultimatum that unless she starts acting neutral and calm towards you without pressuring you to do things she wants, she will be cut out of your life again because you can’t carry on like this anymore. You haven’t received any response from her.

This post may help others who have a distorted relationship with their loved ones. It’s very easy to give an advice such as: don’t be a victim, don’t let them mentally upset you, draw the boundaries or keep your distance. When it comes to family it’s difficult because feelings and emotions are involved. The dynamics are different in a family environment. They are complex and unfortunately those who are manipulative prey on feelings of their victims. Those who are affected need to do everything in their power to protect themselves and their own family from a bad influence of toxic people who are present in their life. I wish I had a golden advice but I don’t. I struggle very hard and I try to put my head around all of this.