I had suffered from an eating disorder for many years. I used to emotionally overeat (binge), starve myself and exercise in order to burn the calories I had consumed. It was impossible for me to eat in public places as I felt constantly observed and looked at by strangers. I hated my body and I felt ashamed of it. I avoided mirrors at any cost because in my opinion I didn’t meet the beauty standards. I mentally abused myself by calling my body & inner-self names-” Ugly pig”, “Disgusting fat monster”, “Fat retard”, “Fat looser”etc. I didn’t feel worth of being loved and cared for. I had isolated myself from the world and let the abuse from myself & my ex to take over my life.
It took me a long time to overcome horrible thoughts and overwhelming emotional state which encouraged frequent and regular binge eating sessions. I used food as a safety point when I needed comfort and reassurence. It was difficult to stop. I’d had ups and downs during my recovery but I had always repeated myself that it’s better to take one step backwards and then two steps forwards rather than fall into abyss of the eating disorder.
What helped me in the healing process was this app – https://www.recoveryrecord.com/ ( this post is not sponsored and is solely based on my personal experience). I had used it for around 4 years. It features forum, tips, mental exercises, eating diary and it can be linked to your therapist to review your progress.
In my case, the anxiety, depression and eating disorder was triggered by my childhood, puberty (bullying) and later abusive marriage which had lasted for 5 years. The hardest part in my recovery was changing my mental self – image. I needed to do it in order to accept myself for a person who is truly unique and beautiful inside out. I began to fight my demons during the failing & abusive marriage which I successfully left when I was mentally strong enough to stand against the abuse.
I still have negative thoughts e.g. Just few minutes ago, I wanted to eat a sandwich for lunch on a train ( the train was full of human beings). I felt discomfort and thoughts of people starring at me flooded my mind. I simply ignored it and devoured the ham & salad goodness 🙂
Remember you are a wonderful person who deserves the best from life. You are unique & beautiful they way you are. Don’t change it- just be happy- BE YOURSELF !!!
Categories: A-Z Mental Health